Best Laugh in Ages

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Best Laugh in Ages

Post  The Secretary on Mon Mar 08, 2010 4:03 pm

A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart.

He gets to one house and the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

Eventually a Japenese bloke answers........

" Harro", says the chappy.

"Alright mate, ....where's ya bin? " asks the dustman.

" I bin on toiret" replies the Japenese bloke looking perplexed.

Realising the Japenese fellow has misunderstood the binman smiles and says " no mate, where's ya dust bin?

" I dust bin on toiret - I told you " says the Japenese man.

" mate", says the dustman......"you're misunderstanding me - where's your wheelie bin ?"



" Ok ok " says the Japenese bloke,


" I wheelie bin havin' a wank !!!

Laughing
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Sun Mar 14, 2010 2:53 pm

Just £3 can help towards rebuilding Haiti and the lives of its civilians. A single £3 donation could help feed and water a person in Haiti for a full week......On a serious note thought, Tesco are doing 4 cans of Stella for £2.99. Laughing Laughing lol!
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Sun Mar 14, 2010 2:58 pm

Carlos Tevez sees his baby for the first time and says "It looks nothing like me!"

"Give me a chance" says his wife... "I've only just boiled the fucking kettle!" lol!
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Cheltenham

Post  The Secretary on Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:16 pm

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 but please carry on'
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Best Laugh in ages

Post  The Secretary on Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:30 pm

A vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No, she replies "It's just regular porn, you sick b*****d!!" Laughing
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Best Laugh in ages

Post  The Secretary on Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:40 pm

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided
to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time
they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the
gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits,"
he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see
what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by
her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went
nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the
husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes
and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the
ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars,
did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all
over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and
pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that
motherf**ker you have a headache!"
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:38 pm

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He
asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard
prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's
going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a
year".
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:43 pm

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:47 pm

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft begger!"

hope you like these yins baz! Very Happy Very Happy
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tops the lot!

Post  bhillfan on Wed Mar 17, 2010 4:34 pm

Last night I was shagging my girlfriend on her mum & dads sofa whilst they were in bed.
Once finished I told her that I needed to use the toilet.
She desperately didn't want me to wake her mum & dad so she told me to just go in the kitchen sink.
So I did.
Five minutes later I poked my head around the kitchen door and said "Shall I just wipe my bum on a tea towel?" lol! lol!
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  Lawn_Jedi on Wed Mar 17, 2010 5:29 pm

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.
*******************
I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire paedophile, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
*******************
I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
*******************
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  The Secretary on Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:15 pm

My mates just gone and got himself a new girlfriend. He thought she was Polish, but its taken her 5 days to hoover the house. Turns out she's a Slovak Very Happy
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  The Secretary on Thu Mar 25, 2010 12:25 pm

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a Van.

The van driver made her pull over into a parking space and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tyres.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windscreen.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Two Aberdeen Farmers

Post  The Secretary on Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:07 am

Two Aberdeen Farmers, Tam & Shuie, were sitting in `The Farmer`s Bar`.
Tam turns to Shuie and says "Ye ken fit ? I`m tired o`gan through life wi`oot an education. T`morn I think I`ll ging doon tae
the community college and sign up for some classes".

Shuie thinks it`s a good idea and the twa leave.

The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic courses, Maths, English,
History and logic.

"Logic" Tam says Fit`s 'at"?

The lecturer says "I`ll show you. Do you own a strimmer?"

"Aye".

"Then logically because you own a strimmer I think you have a garden".

"That’s true. I dae ha` a garden".

"I`m not done," the lecturer says. "Because you have a garden I think logically that you have a house."

"Aye,I dae hae a hoose."

"And because you have a house,I think that logically you have a
family".

"I huv a femily"

"I`m not done yet. Because you have a family,then logically you must have a wife".

"Yer nae wrang ,I dae hae a wife"

"And because you have a wife then logically you must be heterosexual".

"I am heterosexual" says Tam "That`s amazin !! youwere able to find a` that oot jist because I hae a strimmer".

Excited to take the classes now,Tam shakes the lecturer`s hand and leaves tae met Shuie at the pub. He tells 'censored word' his classes
how he had signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Shuie says "Fit`s at".

Tam says "Dae ye hae a strimmer?"

"No"

"Well then yer a POOF!'
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Tue Mar 30, 2010 3:01 pm

well then your a POOF

fcukin classic baz Laughing Laughing Laughing lol! lol!
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  Lawn_Jedi on Wed Mar 31, 2010 3:43 am

Aye no bad bazza
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  bhillfan on Thu Apr 08, 2010 2:54 pm

little johnny's teacher says-whoever can answer the following question's can have a half day from school.

who said"...ask not what your country can do for you"-before johnny can open his mouth nancy 'censored word''s "john f kennedy" teacher says very good nancy you can go.

who said"i have a dream"again before johnny has a chance,mary shouts out"martin luther king" well done mary you can go.

johnny is raging by now and just as the teacher turns her back johnny says"i wish those bitches would just keep their fuckin mouth's shut"and the teacher turns round and says "who said that"johnny replies "alan mcgregor-see you tomorrow". cheers cheers
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  3008 on Thu Apr 08, 2010 3:37 pm

What do you get if you cross a woman with PMT and a sat nav?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A crazy fucking mental bitch that WILL find you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! clown

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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  Lawn_Jedi on Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:29 am

3008 wrote:What do you get if you cross a woman with PMT and a sat nav?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A crazy fucking mental bitch that WILL find you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! clown


Thats strange, aslong as were not in the kitchen were safe
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Re: Best Laugh in Ages

Post  Lawn_Jedi on Wed Apr 28, 2010 8:14 am

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A 'censored word' time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie apeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I
would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would
always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live. It's brilliant!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


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